My family and I have been on a old-movie trend the last few weeks - all the oldies but goodies that we haven't seen a long while. We rounded things off with Calamity Jane. The whole movie is great, but there's one scene in particular that is just hilarious. Calamity and Bill Hickok (who is actually her best friend, though you might not guess that from their exchange below) spend over two minutes singing insults at each other. And unlike today, where the most common form of insult is to swear at the person or string some swear words together and use them as an adjective, their insults were, well, take a look:
Calamity:
In the summer, you're the winter;
In the finger, you're the splinter;
In the banquet, you're the stew; say,
I can do without you!
Hickok:
In the garden, you're the gopher;
In the Levi's, you're the loafer;
Like an overturned canoe, well--
I can do without you!
Calamity:
You can go to ... Philadelphia!
Take a hack to Hackensack! Hey--
I'll never ring a bell for ya,
Or yell for ya to come back!
Hickok:
In the question, you're the "why";
In the ointment, you're the fly--
Calamity:
Though I know some things are indispensable -
Like a buck or two -
If there's one thing I can do without,
I can do without you!
Hickok:
In a barrel, you're a pickle;
In a gold mine, you're a nickel;
You're the tack inside my shoe, yeah-
I can do without you!
Calamity:
In my bosom, you're a dagger;
You're a mangy carpetbagger;
In the theatre, you're the boo--
I can do without you!
Hickok:
You've got charm that ain't bewitchin' me,
You have a face that no one would paint--
Calamity:
I've got the darnedest itch in me,
To be wherever you ain't!
Hickok:
In a bullfrog, you're the croak--
Calamity:
In the forest, poison oak--
Hickok:
Though I know something are necessary,
My half-pint buckaroo,
If there's one thing I can without,
I can do without you!
Calamity:
You're a knothead!
Hickok:
You're a faker!
Calamity:
You're a bonehead!
Hickok:
Troublemaker!
Calamity & Hickok:
I can do without you!
See? Their jabs aren't rude or crude. They're smart, snappy, and full of wit. I think that's something we've lost as a society - wit. Wit, that couches a true accusation with humor. Wit - that takes the edge of anger and hatred out of emotionally charged words. I think (and this applies to me as much as anyone), in large part, we have become witless.
So the next time you need to accuse (and I do hope you make sure it is in fact necessary to do so), do it with style.
Maybe you could even make it rhyme ;)
Very charming! If someone were to insult me, I don't think I would mind as much as swearing or attacking if they would just sing it in song! Thanks for this perspective!
ReplyDeleteGlad you enjoyed it :)
ReplyDeleteI enjoyed that post. And I think you're right, insults in song don't hurt as much. I hope all my book's rejections are done in song!
ReplyDeleteIn a bookshop, it won't sell,
The plot sucks, the characters smell,
No one will publish it, no way in hell,
Oh, readers can do without you!
Oh, wow, that made me laugh! That is so perfect.
ReplyDeleteHaha! LOVE LOVE LOVE this! And you're right--wit is lost or almost lost in society nowadays. People use cheap language--coarse, rude, bad words because they don't take the time to think of a witty retort. This is much more fun and less damaging. Thanks for the laughs!
ReplyDeleteExactly :) Wit is a hard thing to grasp, though. It's not nearly as easy as it sounds...but it's great fun when successful! I'm glad you like this. It was certainly a pleasure to share.
ReplyDelete